The Vicar and the Burglar

This was written as part of the 30 Nov timed exercise. Basically I had 20 mins to write a story around the following random elements: vicar, burglar, praying, getting old!, children’s dance class. See ‘Writing exercises’ for more info.

Rev James locked the front door and jangled his keys on the way to the car.

“Hope I’m not late,” he thought. “Parishioners do pick their moments to ring!”

He had been 5 minutes away from leaving for his son’s Dance Revue, when the phone rang. Foolishly he picked it up. Many rambling sentences later, he learned that the parish supper next Thursday did NOT have enough chairs for the people likely to attend. Susie, who organised them, was well meaning but a bit of a fusspot.

Rev James started up the car and set off.

As he left, a figure peered around the corner of the vicarage.

“Thought he was never going to leave,” the man grumbled to himself.

He had been watching the house for weeks. He knew that there was a valuable commemorative plate stored in the vicarage and it was his for the taking. It was worth a good few bob: solid silver and over five hundred years old. He’d already lined up a dealer with a reassuring lack of morals and no particular attachment to the police.

He’d picked out the right window to gain entry. Thank God (haha), he thought, for old houses and a lack of alarms. He eased his chisel into the window casing and pulled gently but firmly. It came away with ease.

Hauling himself up, he made his way through the window and – got stuck!

He looked at the offending area that was making entry difficult. The grim realisation of recent Christmas set in. His stomach had grown just enough to be bigger than the window. “I’m getting too old for this,” he puffed. After pushing and pulling a bit he realised he was like a fox in a noose – getting more stuck the more he tried to escape.

After a few minutes he was beginning to worry.

After 20 minutes he started to pray: “Please God, I promise to go straight if you let me go.”

A few minutes later he heard a voice behind him and his heart sank.

“Hey – are you stuck? Thieving from the good Rev?”

“No of course not!” the burglar protested. “I was fixing the window.”

“Yeah, right!” the young voice laughed.

“Tell you what I’ll share the spoils if you help me.”

“Well…” The youngster considered his offer. “I’ll get a ladder to help me.”

“The footsteps made off. A few minutes later they returned. Breathing a sigh of relief the burglar started to speak – and then stopped in surprise.

The voice was pulling down his trousers and pants!

Soon after, the vicar returned to find a half naked burglar hanging out of his window – with a big smiley face painted on his bare rear!

The vicar quickly covered his young son’s eyes and raised his face heavenward.

“I always knew you had a sense of humour!” he smiled.

© AgentLouisa

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